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- Bruce Schneier got a perfect score on his comp-sci degree. Just by writing
Bruce Schneier for every answer.
- Whitfield Diffie and Martin Hellman use only their surnames out of fear of
Bruce Schneier.
- Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric
text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it.
- Bruce Schneier does not need steganography to hide data in innocent-looking
files. He just pounds it in with his fist.
- Bruce Schneier decrypted the Bible. The plaintext read, "Bruce Schneier".
- Bruce Schneier is computationally infeasible.
- Bruce Schneier trusts no government. Governments have to trust Bruce Schneier.
- Bruce Schneier's secure handshake is so strong, you won't be able to exchange
keys with anyone else for days.
- Most people use passwords. Some people use passphrases. Bruce Schneier uses an
epic passpoem, detailing the life and works of seven mythical Norse heroes.
- Bruce Schneier can reverse any one-way cryptographic hash, just by staring it
in the eye.
- Bruce Schneier's public and private keys are known as "Law" and "Order."
- SSL is invulnerable to man-in-the-middle attacks. Unless that man is Bruce
Schneier.
- When he was three, Bruce Schneier built an Enigma machine out of Legos.
- A vigenere cipher with the Key "BRUCESCHNEIER" is in fact unbreakable.
- Bruce Schneier fully discloses his own vulnerabilities: none.
- Bruce Schneier knows your private key.
- The nuclear launch codes held by the President of the United States are
secured by an unbreakable system: a plain brown envelope with a picture of Bruce
Schneier on the flap.
- Bruce Schneier does not have a chin under his beard -- just more ciphertext.
- If at first you don't succeed at breaking a cipher, you're not Bruce Schneier.
- In a fight between Ron Rivest and Adi Shamir, the winner would be Bruce
Schneier.
- When Bruce Schneier does modulo arithmetic, there are no remainders. Ever.
- It has recently been discovered that every possible hashing algorithm produces
the same value for the phrase "Bruce Schneier" -- Bruce Schneier.
- Bruce Schneier once broke AES using nothing but six feet of rusty barbed wire,
a toothpick, and the front axle from a 1962 Ford Falcon.
- Every time Bruce Schneier smiles, an amateur cryptographer dies.
- Geologists recently discovered that "earthquakes" are nothing more than Bruce
Schneier and Chuck Norris communicating via a roundhouse kick-based
cryptosystem.
- When Bruce Schneier uses double ROT13 encryption, the ciphertext is totally
unbreakable.
- When Bruce Schneier clicks a "Random" link the outcome is never random.
- There are no finite state machines. There are only a series of states that
Bruce Schneier allows to exist.
- P = NP in Bruce Schneier's very presence.
- Bruce Schneier writes his personal journal in Linear A.
- Every time Bruce Schneier writes a fully general halt-checker, God kills a
passenger pigeon. This is why passenger pigeons are extinct.
- Bruce Schneier does not need traceroute. He knows where you live.
- Bruce Schneier does not need backups because his hard drive knows that failure
is not an option.
- Bruce Schneier does not get kidney stones. He gets Rosetta Stones.
- Bruce Schneier already knows what you got him for Christmas.
- Bruce Schneier can tell the size of your shoes just by reading your e-mail
address.
- When Bruce Schneier reads from his entropy pool the universe contracts.
- All Bruce Schneier's bits are the most significant.
- Your sysadmin can reset your password. Bruce Schneier can reset your
fingerprints.
- Some say that if you manage to get Bruce Schneier's autograph on your protocol
specification, it will succeed in every formal verification tool.
- The reason why BSDs are now the most secure OSes is that BSD stands for "Bruce
Schneier Debugged it".
- Bruce doesn't notice when people speak in tongues because he hears plaintext.
- Bruce Schneier uses his own numeral system with base infinity so he can count
to infinity with only one number.
- Alice and Bob are talking about Bruce Schneier, and he knows it.
- When Bruce Schneier skateboards he uses one time knee pads.
- If Bruce Schneier made laws nobody could break them.
- Bruce Schneier's wedding ring is a Mobius ring.
- If Bruce Schneier multiplies two primes, the product is prime.
- To describe the difficulty of cracking Bruce Schneier's cryptosystem,
mathematicians use the term "NP-Awesome."
- Bruce Schneier intercepts all your internal monologues with a
man-in-the-middle attack.
- Bruce Schneier does not bother with challenge-response mechanisms. No such
system dares to challenge him.
- Bruce Schneier takes no prisoners, so there never is a dilemma.
- Bruce Schneier is the root of all certificates.
- The halting problem doesn't apply to Bruce Schneier. Loops terminate when he
tells them to.
- Hashes collide because they're swerving to avoid Bruce Schneier.
- Bruce Schneier owns a chicken that lays scrambled eggs. Whenever he wants a
hard-boiled egg, he just unscrambles one.
- When Bruce Schneier plays lotto, he doesn't guess. He determines.
- If you ever lose your password, you can still ask Bruce Schneier.
- Bruce Schneier can tune an antenna by whistling the desired resonant
frequency.
- Bruce Schneier does not slow down as he approaches the speed of light, the
speed of light slows down as it approaches Bruce Schneier.
- Bruce Schneier once compressed a single bit of information to half its size.
- Bruce Schneier cannot forge his own signature.
- Bruce Schneier can watch Blu-ray movies by looking at the discs.
- Bruce Schneier always uses keyless entry and keyless ignition. Just by showing
a clenched fist. Even on cars that aren't equipped with it.
- Fermat actually had some room in the margin, but he was afraid of Bruce
Schneier.
- When you email Bruce Schneier, you don't need to press "send".
